[Giggles]
Look at this Garfield.
[Speaking French]
Ah ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ah ha ha!
I don't care what language you speak... that cat's funny.
What have you got, Harry?
Yesterday I was exploring the park,
and I found this stone.
Look at it.
It's been worn to a perfect sphere by the elements
and dimpled by time.
Harry, that's a golf ball.
Harry, you've got way too much free time on your hands.
I've tried a lot of different things since we got to earth,
and I've made a discovery...
I'm not good at anything.
There's got to be something you can do.
Let me look through the want ads.
What's that smell?
Blueberry muffins.
Smells like they're done.
The timer didn't go off.
Yes, but...
Dick, I've incinerated entire armies.
I think I can handle an oven.
I'm glad to hear that,
'cause I signed you up for a bake sale.
What's a bake sale?
Oh, just an attempt to revive a failing educational system
through parental involvement.
A fine cause. I'm there.
You know, I really think
you should check on those muffins.
The box said 15 minutes.
You don't argue with the box.
Here's something you could do, Harry...
Sweep up the burger palace.
Oh, sure.
After about four years of grad school, maybe.
[Timer dings]
Now they're done!
Ooh!
Look at this!
Here's a job I can do.
"Police seek third gunman."
Well, tomorrow,
I'm going to march right down to the police station
and tell them I'm the man they're looking for!
O.k., they're ready.
They're just going to be a little burnt.
This is the bake sale committee, right?
Yes. I don't believe I've seen you before.
I don't believe you're blonde.
O.k., everybody.
Let's take our seats and get started.
As you know,
this is my sixth year
as chairman of the bake sale,
and, um...
I think we've done pretty darn well!
Last year we raised $500!
Oh! Oh! Ah!
How much did you make before that?
Well, I don't want to brag,
but we've made roughly $500
each of the last six years.
Uh-huh. So what you're saying
is the group is stagnating under your leadership.
You're new around here.
Let's start the meeting, shall we?
Any thoughts on this year's sale?
Yeah, I... i have a thought.
This group isn't advancing. It's retreating.
You dropped the ball, sister.
I am a master chef.
I trained at the culinary institute of Pittsburgh.
I think I know a little bit about baking!
Ok, well here's what I know about baking... Zip.
But these troops need a leader,
not some chirpy, weak-chinned, underachieving drone.
No offense.
If you aim for 500 bucks, you get 500 bucks.
But there's a saying where I'm from...
You want to punch someone in the nose,
aim for the back of the head...
That is, if they have a head.
I say aim for 10 grand, and don't settle for less than 5.
Uh, grace, I think she should be in charge.
Oh, good morning, Nina.
Good morning.
Nina, my brother Harry is trying to find a job.
I was wondering, how did you get this job?
I found a magic lamp on the beach,
and this was my first wish!
Wonderful! How can Harry get hold of a magic lamp?
Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
Dr. Albright,
there's something different about you this morning.
I have a new blouse.
No. That's not it.
And I hope you didn't pay too much for it.
It's the box! What's in it?
Oh, this? Painting supplies.
I'm taking a painting class. I'm not very good.
So you're bad.
Well, I wouldn't say I was bad
you have to understand I have incredibly high standards
and I tend to be very critical of myself.
But as an amateur I have demonstarted
quite a bit of potential.
So you're bad.
Yeah.
But art is essentially subjective.
There is no good or bad.
So if you stink, you're still allowed to do it?
That sounds perfect!
Are you interested?
Me? Don't be ridiculous.
I was talking about Harry.
Oh... you thought I was worried
about being less than perfect?
Ha ha! That's rich!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Doors open. Crowd comes in.
First thing they see... Finger pastries.
They nosh a little. They're delighted.
They continue on to the layer cakes.
The smell hits them... they're drooling like rabid dogs.
Then the heavy artillery.
The walnut bread, the almond bars, the cashew squares... bang!
We got 'em by the roasted nuts!
Carry on, lieutenant.
Thank you, sir.
Sally, that was Andy Larson on the phone.
Did you really make his mom
do one-handed pushups till she cried?
Yes. She had to be broken
for the sake of the unit.
This art is fascinating!
Every era, every culture...
They all have their own art.
What drives them to create this?
Naked women.
Tommy, these are not naked women.
They're nudes.
Nudity is the artist's passionate celebration of the human form.
Well, party on.
Why do you see nude people in museums,
but they never show them on TV?
Sure, they do. But never in comedies, only in dramas.
And even then, only when the ratings sag.
Harry! Harry, what's wrong?
I got fired from my job at the kid's pizza place.
Oh, no.
Yes! They dressed me up like a giant mouse,
so I figure, hey, I'll just get into character.
And then they complained when I ate off the floor.
I found something else.
You're coming with me to an art class!
Art? I wasn't creative enough to be a rodent.
You don't have to be creative.
You just have to be a certain type.
You've been ostracized, spit upon,
and strangers repeatedly tell you that you're crazy.
You've got everything it takes!
The last supper, by Leonardo da Vinci.
Boy, the guy in the middle
really knows how to throw a party, huh?
And he's sitting in front of the archway.
So what?
Well, the negative space in the archway
draws our focus,
and the hills outside the archway
fade into a bluish haze, creating distance,
so it's sort of like, it's not just a party...
It's a going-away party.
Harry, I'm impressed!
Mmm. Me, too.
Can we buy it?
Don't be silly. After one week, we'd be sick of it!
Oh, Dick, this is wonderful!
Do you have any idea how good it feels
to do something for the first time
and not suck at it?
Well, hello!
It's nice to see fresh faces.
Squeeze my head. It's soft.
Oh, Harry, that's really interesting.
I remember that.
Yeah. That was that thing
that burst out of that guy's thorax.
And we hit it and hit it and hit it,
[together] and it just wouldn't die!
It's a... Family joke. Sorry.
All right, class.
Let's see what we've been working on for two weeks.
Who's first?
Mary?
[Class groans]
I call this painting
spirits of spring.
When I was growing up in Indiana
and all the kids would exclude me from their playing,
I'd sit in my yard
and anxiously await the tiny crocuses
to pop their happy heads out from their winter sleep.
Oh, that's a beautiful story.
Ohh...
It's a lousy painting,
but it's a beautiful story.
It's very nice, Dr. Albright.
Anyone have any comments?
Well, I...
Oh, never mind. It's stupid.
Don't let that stop you, Harry. Go ahead!
Well, I just find
that my focus is drawn to the upper right corner,
but when it gets there, there's nothing to see.
You could add a splash of yellow
to carry out the motif you've already established.
But what do I know?
Actually, that's a very good suggestion.
Really? Really?
Yes!
Harry, you've really opened something up for me.
I know exactly what you're saying!
Thank you!
Wow! Thank you!
You work with her. Is this sarcasm?
Low mass black holes
form only when matter is compressed
into enormous densities
by very large external pressures,
and this demonstrates which principle of quantum astrophysics?
[Sighs]
I'll give you a hint.
It has nothing to do with geometric cosmology.
Anyone?
If no one answers,
I'll have to pick someone.
Someone please answer, please raise your hand, please someone answer
please...
Leon!
Since you're talking, I'll ask you.
What's the principle?
Wetness?
No. Try again.
Dr. Solomon, why do you keep calling on Leon?
It's just not funny anymore.
That's nonsense!
Leon, the only way of understanding the universe
is to find the limits of your own intelligence.
I... i think I've reached my limit.
Bug!
Yes, Dr. Solomon?
You're hiding something.
It's just a doodle.
A doodle?
Why, this is a picture of me...
With antlers and something coming out of my buttocks!
It's a tail.
Well, it is.
It's brilliant! The lines, the contours,
the way you've picked up the essence
of my rugged good looks!
It's just a doodle.
Just a doodle.
And Alan thicke is j an actor!
[Bell rings]
Tomorrow I want everyone to bring in three sharpened pencils,
and bug will teach us all how to doodle!
All right! Great!
Damn!
I tasted your butter cookies, Mrs. Stevenson,
and, yes, I can believe it's not butter.
Use a butter substitute
and you'll find yourself saying,
"I can't believe I was bounced out of this bake sale
right onto my ass!"
Get with the program!
Tommy,
do you ever doodle?
Why, was I in the bathroom too long?
I... i can't doodle!
Well, Dick, you're kind of old.
Old? Picasso doodled on tablecloths
late into his 60s.
That's disgusting!
I know. I just can't draw!
Oh! Doodling!
Oh.
It's inexplicable!
I, who bestride this world
like an intellectual colossus!
I, who make lesser men quiver in awe
of my cranial prowess!
I, who...
I've forgotten my point.
Dick?
I invented a new color...
I combined red and yellow.
I call it red-yellow.
Can't wait to show it in art class.
Great! Mix up a whole vat of it!
Go! Hop to it!
You ironically gifted chowderhead.
Why did I say that?
What's wrong with me?
Could it be... and this is a wild guess...
That Harry is way better at something than you?
I'm the high commander! I don't engage in petty rivalry.
Look, you're actually younger than me.
But on this mission, you got to be taller.
Now, don't you think that eats my lunch just a little?
You don't see me whining.
How can you be so cool?
'Cause I'm older than you, little buddy.
I got a reconnaissance report from Mrs. nagel
our only real competition is the kissing booth.
This year, they have hookers.
Sally, those are cheerleaders.
Not if they're charging.
Banana-nut muffin heads.
Are there 2 parts banana to every 1 part walnut, Mrs. hartzinger?
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am! I can't hear you!
Mighty tasty rugala, Mrs. greenstein.
Thank you, ma'am.
Before we open the doors,
I just have one more thing to say.
You are by far the saddest, sorriest,
most pathetic group of mothers...
I have ever had the honor of commanding,
and I'll never forget you.
Music!
[Ride of the valkyrie plays]
Doors!
All right, ladies.
Take no prisoners...
Or personal checks.
Dick, are you mad at me?
No!
Lately you get this weird grin
like you're hiding something.
That's not about art class, is it?
Art class? Why, no. I don't care about art.
Let's not forget
what one of the great thinkers of the 20th century said...
Art is no damn good.
What great thinker said that?
Jesse helms.
Besides, I've made a command decision.
We're not going to art class anymore.
It's not productive. We've experienced it. Let's move on!
All righty.
Permission to speak, high commander.
What did you say?
Permission to speak, Dick.
You never asked permission to speak before.
Dick, this art thing means a lot to me
and I have no idea why.
All I know is that I like doing it.
So I want to go tomorrow,
whether you go or not.
I'm sorry.
There's no need to be sorry
for something you're good at. Go to class!
Really?
Yes!
If that's what makes you happy,
then I'm happy.
Ohh...
Thanks, Dick.
Mmm. Now there's the smile I like.
You're soaking wet.
Am I?
You've been acting strangely.
What's wrong?
It's kind of hard to talk about.
I have this... Friend,
whose brother Harry is a much better artist than he is.
Oh, so this is about you and Harry.
Am I that transparent?
I'm going to tell you a little story.
My partner in dance class in college
was a girl named Nadia.
She got all the leads, all the attention.
People would call her lithe, willowy...
Leggy.
I rehearsed with her.
I showed a tremendous amount of support.
I went to all the recitals.
She'd leap and twirl on the stage,
exuding this incredible sensual grace...
While I sat there...
A frozen smile on my face,
loathing her for my own inadequacies.
Wow. You have any pictures of her?
That's not the point.
The thing I came to realize
was that she needed me there.
My support inspired her to dance.
That was enough for you?
Yes! Look at the Mona Lisa.
She never picked up a paintbrush,
and yet she inspired the most famous painting in the world.
So it's like whistler and his mother.
Exactly.
Van gogh and his potato eaters.
Michelangelo and his ceiling full of naked guys
trying to touch fingers.
More or less.
Inspiration!
Yes!
Thank you!
That story really helped me!
Thank you!
Sure.
Oh, and by the way,
I love your stubby little legs.
Harry...
Were your parents artistic?
Mmm. Not really.
My mother was a cold receptacle,
and my father was just a machine.
Well, we all have our baggage.
But don't forget,
out of suffering comes creativity.
You can't spell painting without "pain."
Mmm.
Or "ting."
Oh, Dick!
You came.
You going to paint?
Even better.
I now accept the fact
that I do not have artistic talent
like you, like Harry.
I know now that I will never be able
to be part of a class like this.
But Dr. Albright
has made me see the joy that I can take
in inspiring other people!
No, I will never be an artist.
But I can make a great subject!
Prepare to meet...
Your muse!
Oh, great.
I'm going to need more pink.
You're telling me...
Dr. Solomon posed for this?
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm! Well, hello, Dr. Solomon!
Well, hello, Nina!
Well...
I'll leave you three alone.
Oh!
This is wonderful!
I really did inspire you, didn't I?
Yes.
You know, the whole time I was standing there,
I kept thinking about how you inspired Nadia.
Whatever happened to her?
Alcoholic, trailer park
seven kids. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Oh, no. It really is a shame.
What do you call it?
Middle-aged naked guy who can't paint.
Leading that bake sale was exhilarating.
Those women were crying out for leadership.
Over half this planet's population
is female.
If I could just harness their power,
we could easily turn men into a slave race.
Or maybe just talk hair.
You know...
I've discovered that here on earth,
every human has his own talents
and his own flaws.
The smart ones have learned to use their talents,
but the happy ones have learned to accept their flaws.
I know I've accepted mine.
Permission to mention your receding hairline, sir.
Permission denied.
Well, here's my latest painting.
It's a still life.
It's very interesting, Harry.
And very dark.
It's a bunch of rotten fruit.
Yeah, I really got to learn to paint faster.